More?

Okay, so I know it has been a loooong time since I posted on this blog. I have been keeping the world up to date on how life is with Malachi (and now his new baby brother) on the family blog. So if you haven't yet you MUST check out how our big boy (who turns 1 this week!) is doing! Go check it out - www.thekeyserfamily.blogspot.com

So what am I doing here?

Honestly, I really don't know. All I know is my heart is so full and I am so happy and loving my role as a new mother, but I still long for more and I wonder if my heart will ever be able to rest easy at night. And for whatever reason, I just don't feel like posting this stuff on the family blog, but felt I just needed to write it out here. So here I am. Spilling my heart to an audience that is probably gone (and maybe that is a good thing.) I have honestly edited this post several times in the last 24 hours and haven't gotten the courage to post it just yet. I don't know why.

For starters, my heart longs for Africa. Now, this is a totally new feeling for me as while we were actually IN Africa - I honestly did not enjoy it. I know a lot of that had to do with being 10 weeks pregnant and just not feeling very good. Plus trying to adjust and get to know the newest member of our family in a tiny hotel room where we were not allowed to go out in public with him at all was very hard. We didn't get to see much of Africa, but looking back now, what I did get to see and experience was truly incredible. The people were amazing and beautiful. The rich culture and heritage is something so unique and different. It is cliche to say, but for whatever reason, my heart is in Africa right now.

Life is truly great right now. Life is richer than I ever thought possible. I have a beautiful almost 1 year old son who makes my heart so happy. He is incredible and so perfect and life with him is what I wanted and so much more! I have another little double blessing that melts my heart and brings even more joy to our lives. Yes, at times life is very overwhelming, and there are times where I feel like I am going to explode in frustration as they both have needs that they want met immediately. But 95% of the time, I love my life and I love having these two little boys that make my life so rich.

So why do I walk around with a constant lump in my throat longing for more? I have it all! Two beautiful boys, and I really am not sure that I can handle much more than the two of them right now. But my heart is burdened, truly burdened in a way it has never been burdened before. I have thought long and hard about ways that we can support orphans and other adoptive families and while we have every intention to do so and have done so, it just doesn't feel like enough. When I close my eyes I can picture children left behind who are longing for a mommy and a daddy and how can I say no? How can I carry on with my life with the two boys who I have and learn to ignore the others that are still waiting? I think of Malachi, and imagine him still waiting and wonder how could I turn my back on him? If he were waiting, I would do whatever it takes to get him home and it wouldn't matter how strapped we were financially or how much paperwork the government wanted or if our house was full - we would find a way to get him home!

My heart is still in Congo. Peter's heart is still in Congo. Last summer we really thought we would be starting the adoption process to bring home a Congolese child, and yet God told us to take a step back and wait. So we did, and then God gave us our little Elias who we wouldn't trade for anything in this world. But still, Congo is on our minds and we wonder what God's plan is for us and this country? Are we to adopt from there? And we still, just wait and wonder as God remains silent right now.

So where are we? We could start the process right now to adopt from Congo. In fact I emailed the agency we were thinking of using for Congo this past week just to see if we do still qualify with two children and 1 income and we do. But I still feel the answer is no and to wait and I admit that I am somewhat relieved by that! But I still remain burdened and I just don't understand it. I either want to jump right in and work on fixing the problem or don't give me a burdened heart for something I can't fix!

But I think that is the whole point. No matter what I do, I can't fix the orphan crisis. There will always be children who need homes. I personally cannot even make a dent in the need. Even if I spent every last waking moment of my life working with orphans and adopting orphans, and giving everything I had to orphans - it wouldn't even make a tiny change in the crisis.

But I have to do something. If I can even make a difference for just a few children, then it does matter. So I sit here and wonder what the future holds. We are in a holding pattern right now and God is having us love and raise the two children he has already given us. But I can't help but pray and think about what God's plans are for us in the coming years. When I die someday, I want to be exhausted. I want to live with no regrets. When I see Jesus face to face I want to know that I have done everything I could. He has given me a passion for the orphans of this world for a reason and now I just wait for Him to tell me what the next step is.