I try to keep this blog real. There are always thoughts and feelings that I keep to myself. It is difficult to be transparent, but I really feel like I need to share this.
I am scared. I can try my hardest to cover all my feelings with excitement and happiness but inside me - I am almost paralyzed with fear. It all has to do with a 24 hour plane trip around the world. I am not a huge fan of flying. I do it, but I don't enjoy it. The longest I can tolerate have been 6 hour plane rides and that is difficult on me. For personal reasons - I am extra terrified of this trip right now.
In all honesty, if I trusted that my first-time-dad of a husband knew how to take care of an infant I would just send him. The fear is that strong right now. We leave in less than 2 weeks and I am trying to release these feelings because honestly - I don't want to get on that plane. It is going to be hard for me.
I know some people just totally do not understand the struggle people have with flying and will totally think that I am ridiculous for having this fear. Other's completely understand how I feel right now and know how hard it is to get on that plane even if your son or daughter is on the other side of that plane ride.
The one thing I do know about this - is this is not like me. A plane has never stood in my way before of someplace I have wanted to go. I can do it when I want to. So this is unusual in how intense this fear is for me right now. The greatest thing in the world lies on the other side of this plane trip and I am still afraid to go.
I have read many families stories leading up to their trip to their children. The common theme is spiritual warfare. I have no doubt this paralyzing fear I have is spiritual warfare. Satan does not want to see the orphans into families. He is constantly telling me that I obviously am not this little boys mother and obviously do not love him if I don't want to get on that plane to get him. Unfortunately, I have listened to this voice to many times. I have even wondered if we really are ready to give up the life we have now - just the 2 of us?
It is a daily struggle for me to listen to the voice of truth. God gently reminds me that I have promised to go where he sends me. This isn't about me! This is about my obedience to go where God leads. I have never doubted that God wants us to bring our son home from Ethiopia - and I still have never doubted that. It makes me cry to think that my son is on the other side of the world waiting for us. He is waiting for his mommy and daddy to show up and take him home. How am I so blinded and allowing satan to fill me with fear of a silly airplane trip when my child is waiting?!?
I know this is silly and stupid. I feel extremely embarrassed now for even typing this, but I have to share my heart. I know most of you would love to switch spots with me right now and be traveling to pick up your son or daughter. I will not let satan win. We are going. I will get on that plane and I will hold my son in my arms in 16 days. Following God is not always easy and getting on that plane while easy for most people, is going to be hard for me and an act of obedience to God's calling on our lives. I know in a month, when we are home as a family - it will all be worth it!
Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Please pray for me as I continue to battle this silly fear and spiritual battle with the one who does not want to see my son come home.
"Once our eyes are opened we cannot pretend we do not know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls knows we know and holds us responsible to act. Proverbs 24:12"
We have been home with our precious Baby Dash since August 2010!
To keep up on the most recent family happenings - check out our family blog - www.thekeyserfamily.blogspot.com!!!
To keep up on the most recent family happenings - check out our family blog - www.thekeyserfamily.blogspot.com!!!
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Friday, July 23, 2010
Fear
Posted by Amy at 2:44 PM
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16 comments:
amy - thank you for being so transparent. We are lifting you up right now, to the One who formed you and knows your inner most thoughts and fears, to the One who has told us to "cast all of your anxiety (fear) on Me ". Cannot wait to see your precious son in your arms!!!
my friend has the same debilitating fear of flying, its very common and what you are feeling is completely normal!! Take some sleeping pills :) I will be praying for you!
my friend has the same debilitating fear of flying, its very common and what you are feeling is completely normal!! Take some sleeping pills :) I will be praying for you!
God wants you to lay all your fears at his feet. Do it. Give them to Him, and then go get your son!
Amy, don't feel stupid for feeling this way. I have had my share of debilitating fears (and mine were totally irrational and I KNEW it), so I UNDERSTAND and I feel for you. I will seriously be praying for you a lot. Please let me know if you want to talk or anything. I could cry for you just thinking about it, because I know how crippling fear can be.
And on top of the flying thing, you're going to be a new mom! That's scary stuff! Your feelings about giving up your life of just the two of you is totally normal! And those feelings might not go away right away when you get Malachi either. Don't feel badly. Even with my second bio daughter, I had moments when I wondered what in the heck I was thinking and that our cute little family of three was going to be ruined by the new baby. It's okay to have these feelings! They will eventually go away and you will feel more love for your son than you ever thought possible - and it will grow every day!
I am praying that God will grant you overwhelming peace concerning these things, and the strength to push through the fear and follow Him and get that precious son of yours!
Amy, I wish more people in the adoption journey would be transparently honest...we might hear of a lot more "flight to Africa" phobias = ] The pain of the journey is the beauty of the story...and yet so often adoptive families conceal the pain (and thus the beauty!). Jesus dying on the cross so that we could be adopted as God's children is the most beautiful climax of God's redemptive plan. You stepping on that plane when everything in you screams NO is part of the most beautiful climax of God's redemptive plan for Malachi. If it was a piece of cake, I think part of the beauty of the journey would be missing. I will be praying for God-size strength and courage for you...and a God-size love for a beautiful baby boy!
It actually didn't hit me until two weeks before we flew out that I was going to be on a plane THAT long and I really, REALLY don't like flying.
I will be (and am) praying for you - that perfect love will cast out fear and that the flight will not be as hard as it seems it will be now. The three of you will be lifted up many times to the Father while you are gone. And you will be home so soon!! Just three more weeks!!!
Hugs,
Sarah
I've never minded flying...but this last time I was TERRIFIED. My fear had a lot to do with leaving the boys to go get the girls...and what if something happened to us in the process??? I had all kinds of nightmares...it was rough. When our final plane landed in Houston, tears just SPRANG from my eyes. I was so relieved, and could not believe we were all alive. :) I DO understand, I will pray for you tonight, my friend.
Yeah, I'm pretty much not a flier. I get this one BIGTIME. I would HAPPILY drive 16h instead of ride a plane for 1.5.
Honestly, that's part of the reason we went domestic in our adoption. Which clearly was a blessing...we are the perfect fit for open-domestic adoption. I never would have saw myself as loving it the way I do, but I enjoy "sharing" my daughter with her other mother, so it's worked out splendidly.
You just have to keep telling yourself that airplanes are extremely safe. Dangit, airplanes are safe! :)
Thanks for being so open and honest! I will be praying for your fears about flying! We have experience spiritual warfare already and we are still in the dossier process...I can't even imagine when we get as close as ya'll are! Take some good books on the plane that you can "get lost" in...and forget that you are in the air!
I was reading a book to our oldest son and it was about planes and I got this rush of panic getting on that plane. I wish we were flying together. I am a wreck as well. I hate flying!!! Hate it!! On the wasy home we will be to occupied with our little guys to think about the plane....at least I am counting on that! :)
Praying for you!
Aimee
You've received great words of encouragement and comfort already. I agree. Adoption is spiritual warfare on earth. The evil one is very anxious to destroy this process. Hang on to Jesus. He will sustain you. Cling to Him. He will give you peace. Run to Him. He will keep you safe. These fears are normal. Your life is changing dramatically. It is okay to have weird feelings about that. We have been home ten weeks and I still have weird feelings about how our family has changed. But I know we are in the center of God's will and that means my feelings are lying to me. He is truth- not our emotions. Hang on to Him!
It is not a silly fear ~ I too would be nervous/scared to travel so long in a plane, so you are not alone. I will be praying for you. Keep your focus on God and your son the entire prep and travel time. You will be strong, I just know it!!! So excited for you and your husband; AND your son!!!! 8-8-10!!!
I am so glad that you shared this. I pray that even through the comments on here of the body of Christ, that He would minister to your heart. I pray that You would feel overcome with the peace of the Lord. You are SO right...there is SO MUCH spiritual warfare in this journey of adoption. Praying for you...
All of us adopting understand, because we have lived it, that Satan does try and thwart God's plans and hates to see another child being brought into a Christian home where he will be taught to love Christ. But we know that God prevails. I pray that God will rebuke the enemy away from you and encourage you as you seek to follow God and be a witness for him. "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord" Psalm 31:24
I can't remember how I ended up finding your blog - I imagine through other adoption blogs. I, too, will be travelling to a country in Africa to pick up our twin babies - probably not until October at the earliest - and I am very scared. I totally get it. I'm not even scared of flying in general, but I'm very scared of how long the flight is, going to an unstable country, even just being outside of my own country - and a hundred other fears about the whole process, too. I was not even planning on going at the beginning of this journey, but eventually and definitely, I felt God leading me to go. You are not alone in feeling this way. Thank you for sharing so openly. I am so excited for you to finally get to meet your sweet boy! May God give peace and grace to you each step of the way.
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